I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
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[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want
Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though
Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Me and kid:
A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.