I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
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Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
Diabetes: you’re my type.
Me: you’re my type 2
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
One time, a guy flirtatiously asked me what my deepest darkest secret was, and I told him I was working on a shot by shot remake of the first Star Wars film reenacted by my cats called, “A Mew Hope”.
Anyway he didn’t call.
One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
ME: He had poise, grace and confidence, but without arrogance.
WIFE: Did you really think the zoo wouldn’t notice a missing peacock?
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart