i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
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Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
Squirrels before girls.
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
12 yo: I say “mucho” to all my Spanish speaking friends
me: why?
12: bc it means so much to them
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
i’ll see you in court (at the marriage registry) (i love you)
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
