Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.

The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.

I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.

I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!

[sees friend at the store]

“Hi”

Hey

“Where’s your better half?”

The PS4’s at home

“No I mean-”

Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.

I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.

ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day

Them: Pleasure to meet you.

Me: Give it time.

My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace

For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.

Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.

[text]

H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?

M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.

80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.

One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero

Remember to not aim fireworks at anyone unless it’s that person who keeps microwaving fish at the office

As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”

As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.

I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.

Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!

My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.

[baking a cake]

Niece: *greasing pan* uncle Jeff, are all cakes made in pans?

Me: *pouring batter* as far as I know

Niece: so technically all cakes are pancakes and we can eat them for breakfast

Me:

Niece:

Me: you’re my favorite

[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-

Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.

Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.

The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am

That’s a good costume, I hope.

Dyslexics are teople poo!

I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished

[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*

Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.

Me: Why are you threatening me?

Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”