i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
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Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
What goes “ooooooooo”?
A cow with no lips.
‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’
Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
Just got my first “let’s hold off on this conversation until the New Year” email. Absolutely ecstatic
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.