i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
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New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
🤭😂
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
Doctor: I’m diagnosing you with onomatopoeia
Me: what’s that???
Doctor: exactly what it sounds like
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
There are two types of moms: those who wish the recital had booze and those who smuggle booze into the recital.
Used to be you could wash your pots and pans immediately after use and be done with it. But you can’t anymore. Because of soak