I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
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Lady behind me on this @delta flight is complaining to the stewardess because they made her check her bag and there’s a ton of room.
Her husband to the stewardess: “you know she went to college with the CEO of Delta”
Stewardess: “You should have kept in touch.”
💀
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
on a walk around my neighborhood today i saw two houses across from each other with a “my neighbor is a karen” flag in their yard and i’m really interested if they hate each other or there’s a third neighbor who’s just a realllll b***h
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
“stand up for yourself” girl i have low iron
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
Fuck cryptocurrency I want cryptidcurrency
I wanna buy illegal shit off the dark web with pictures of Bigfoot
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.