Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.

I asked why there was a scale at the estate lawyer’s office. She explained, “Where there’s a will there’s a weigh.”

Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂

Me: So you want to see other people?

Him: I’m just getting glasses!

*watches nature documentary*

*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*

volunteer in charge: we are gonna walk around and search for clues about the missing girl.
guy who just bought a new fly fishing rod: we should check the lake first

It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.

My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.

[bleeding out]

ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?

ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality

A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.

Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?

Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.

[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]

ugh, overcooked

[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt

Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.

Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.

Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.

robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest

Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh

A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.

I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.

sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are

If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.

You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room

I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.

me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days

old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers

me: yeah, so?

old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids

Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.

Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.

*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*

[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”

if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.

massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it

7yo: Ewwww. Why are you playing that music? The 90s are gross.

Also 7yo: Check out this new cool song I found from Nsync. It’s my favorite, and you are gonna love it, bro.