I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
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Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
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My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!
Me: 🙁
My chameleon: 🙂
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
(before sex)
*sings national anthem
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga