i love meeting boys on tinder
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this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
You found a baby spider in here?
-Yeah, but only one.
*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*Just. One?
[Never. Sleeps. Again.]
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.
Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10
I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
Brands during Pride
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.