i love meeting boys on tinder
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GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
look bro it’s not gay, i just wanna sleep nestled into your arm because it allows me to angle my head at the perfect 37 degree angle that relieves my nasal congestion
is getting good sleep gay now
is it homosexual to be alert in normal daylight hours
Judges are so childish. Oh, you’re angry so you’re going to slam your little hammer on the table?
Grow up
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.
Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.
A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
they should invent a rest for the wicked
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
Can’t. Just put my hair in a bun and that’s just about enough exercise for today.
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”