I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
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[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss
ME: damn right
[later]
ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
We just upgraded our iPhones so now I’ll be able to do the exact same things I did with my old phone but for an extra $23 a month.
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
Don’t tell me who won the fight, my Netflix is still buffering.
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it