Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Computer: would you like to update?

Me: remind me tomorrow

[tomorrow]

Me: I did not see this coming

For the record, saying somebody of the same sex is handsome or pretty or attractive does not make you seem gay at all, but prefacing that statement with “I’m not gay but…” kinda does

Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.

Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!

Me: Weird…

When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.

Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.

My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.

Me: But she’s the right kid?

Wife: Yes. But…

Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.

attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin

Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.

Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.

I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive

When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.

[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.

Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.

If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.

Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion

As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees

I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.

Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*

Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.

lot going on here, legally speaking.

CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah

Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.

if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”

When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee

Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:

Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means

(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)

The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band

We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.

[speed dating]

Her: THIS IS NICE

Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO

Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?

Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED