I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
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Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
An MIT psychologist has warned humans against falling in love with AI, saying it just pretends and does not really care about you. “Oh that’s just a problem with AI, is it?” asked an MIT psychologist’s ex-girlfriend.
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
they say if you lose one of your senses the others become heightened like for instance i lost my sense of humor in a boating accident but now my sense of style is so on point i can tell when someone’s wearing white after labor day just by looking at them
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
😏😏😏
“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
Having a job is cool But everyday ???? Come tf on
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
No better way for a child to learn how to spell than by having to save a man from hanging to death.
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.