I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
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I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.
When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
I forgot take my phone to the bathroom, so I had to start an argument about politics with the guy in the stall next to me
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
By Kate Hatos
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
The internet is magic sometimes.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
Me trying to reach for my goals
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.