I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
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Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
me in 2018: surely next year will be better
me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this
me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye
It’s amazing how much destruction a 4yo can cause between the hours of 5:30 and 5:37 am.
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
Gravestone inscription “Hey guys, I’m going to be taking a little break from social media”
I wish I were this cool 😂
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
Full moons and eclipses are best captured with either a fancy lens or high quality mushrooms.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
Once I shot a man with a paintball gun, just to watch him dye.
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
It’s crazy people waste their time with hobbies and family when there are strangers on the internet who need to be argued with
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
They should have a section on the wing of the plane where people can go out for a cigarette
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat