I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
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my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.
ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.
INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.
ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this
We couldn’t come up with anything better than “open-face” to describe a sandwich without a top? Open-face is what happens when you encounter a bear in the woods.
Today the vet told me “you have a really good dog” and I said I know she’s perfect and holds my mental health on her little shoulders and she laughed nervously and said “oh no, that’s pretty heavy” and i was like damn dude, ok??? you can tell, huh? Alright calm down lol geez
Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
[at the top of mt everest]
friend: i can’t believe we did it!
me: i know!
friend: what do you think of the view?
me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
If I ever die on some hill, rest assured, something fishy is going on.
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit