Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”

Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.

[1st date]

“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”

Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th

me: get out of your own head live in the now

also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings

[watching Tangled with my Daughter]

Daughter: dada

Me: yes?

Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?

Me: I mean-I do now.

I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.

Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.

My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles

Which is why the lights stay off!

INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.

ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.

INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.

ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.

[zombies eating me]

Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?

Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard

Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this

We couldn’t come up with anything better than “open-face” to describe a sandwich without a top? Open-face is what happens when you encounter a bear in the woods.

Today the vet told me “you have a really good dog” and I said I know she’s perfect and holds my mental health on her little shoulders and she laughed nervously and said “oh no, that’s pretty heavy” and i was like damn dude, ok??? you can tell, huh? Alright calm down lol geez

Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?

Me: one’s for you

Him: and the other one?

Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.

If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.

Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?

Walt Disney: Kill the mom.

P: and the mermaid movie?

WD: Kill the mom.

P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?

WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.

you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know

Husband: *singing pop song*

Tween: Mom, do something.

Me: *starts dancing*

When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.

I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.

My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit

[at the top of mt everest]

friend: i can’t believe we did it!

me: i know!

friend: what do you think of the view?

me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.

All summer long: Kids are healthy.

5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola

Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?

“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”

– people with stupid names

Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*

Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option

If I ever die on some hill, rest assured, something fishy is going on.

I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit