I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
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My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
Growing up was a huge mistake
I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.
Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
[Later]
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
A drone was spying on us in the yard this morning, so I did what I needed to to protect my family… finished shovelling the snow with no pants on so it left right away
noooooo don’t hurt yourself
let me do it
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
People are so trusting on mushroom forums. They ask for help identifying wild shrooms they found, and give you just one blurry picture taken from fifty yards away.
“Is this safe to eat? 🍄”
I’ve seen clearer pictures of Bigfoot, but yeah, go for it. It’s probably fine.
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.