i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
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MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
Nice try, NASA
