i love modern commerce
You Might Also Like
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
hello pervert is such a strong opener
Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
[ after a spat ]
Me: Are you still mad at me?
Her: I guess not.
Me: [ reaching for her ]
Good!!!
Her: