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Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
He’s cranky this morning
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
there was another, tinier cement truck inside
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!