Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche

*signing divorce papers*

Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*

Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries

Hannibal Lector: lady fingers

[inventing the toaster]

engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4

chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8

Dad at the park told me he thinks the age gap between my kids was a bad idea and seemed too hard. He says the age gap between his kids was better. Very helpful thank you!

I’m not sure what the record is for hotdog eating contests, but the record for tofu dog eating is less than one.

sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate

Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…

*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*

Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.

My inside joke with my boyfriend is that every time he thinks a tweet is about him, I’m like, “it’s not about you, it’s about my other boyfriend!!!” And my inside joke with my other boyfriend is exactly the same

I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.

me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.

judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.

me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.

Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?

Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?

Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*

ㅤ

I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo

Things that are dangerous-

-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks

My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT

Her: You’re a dumpster fire

Me: So you think I’m hot??

[traffic stop]

COP: where ya headed?

ME: on my way home

COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*

ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you

Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.

3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.

It’s 5050.

Guess for Halloween my 6yo is going as an Amazon package that was supposed to arrive last week

Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.

mugger: gimme all your cash

me: lmao my what

New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”

Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card

If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination