Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me at a wine tasting:

*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.

Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.

Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!

The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.

That new corduroy pillow is really making headlines

9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.

“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”

my depression: I’m sad

my anxiety: but why now I’m worried

my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason

my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway

doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood

Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?

Me: Well vampires don’t exis-

Boy: Can you beat a black hole?

Me: A black hole is-

Boy: A rhino?

Me: The thi-

Boy: A T-Rex?

Me: Wel-

Boy: Mike’s dad?

Me: Yes.

Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”

[during sex]

Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.

Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed

My son’s blood type is parmesan.

My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA

Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,

Take me with you.

How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:

1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die

Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.

Bought a new exercise program

Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort

So I did

4yo was mad that I sang the “wrong” lyrics to his version of Baby Shark. Then:

4yo: Mommy, I’m sorry I was rude to you.

Me (🥺): Oh, baby, thank you for apologizing. I forgive you.

4yo: Now YOU say YOU are sorry.

Me: …why?

4yo: 😠 Of being RUDE and singing the WRONG WORDS.

[commercial for kids]

woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!

narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?

Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song

I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car

You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …

Jan – Nov: depressed

December: depressed but with tinsel

{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!

PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.

*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room

The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.

Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.

A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.