I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
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Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
“what’s it like having a sister?”
I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
just give your kids the ipad they’re the ones who’ll be fighting cyborgs in the future.
[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”