I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
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Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can’t even get into my own pants.
I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
“I love coffee”, she says while pouring half a gallon of creamer into her mug
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
Why can’t Chinese restaurants chop the broccoli in their dishes? I feel like I’m trying to fit an entire bonsai tree into my mouth.
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
Apparently, my concussed brain found it totally acceptable to burst out with, “I’m sorry. I don’t know what we have talked about for the last 15 minutes so I’m going to leave. Bye,” on a work call, and then proceeded to hang up the phone.
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing
My work here is don’t.
It’s actually Dr. whatever
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
Next time a man invites me to his house without getting to know me, I’m going to go but I’m going to steal his microwave plate. Like straight up take that shit.
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails