Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once

i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem

Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows

Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice

Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO

I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.

I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.

Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…

Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.

we must combat the global scourge of underage baking

Me: You’re not like other girls.

3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*

People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.

*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*

They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.

Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.

Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.

I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.

And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.

My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.

Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.

I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.

LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB

“Bear with me for a minute.”

– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.

Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road

why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials

I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”

I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.

No weirdos.

We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.

I don’t know which is worse, people stealing your tweets or people not stealing your tweets.

Our friends: [just married] we want kids

Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours

“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression

Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.