Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.

Me: *has cold*

Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe

I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.

Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.

Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂

Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”

When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace

Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.

We all have our battles to fight.

“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter

Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.

babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu

No, I wish my water bottle had MORE parts to disassemble and wash. Seven is not enough!

My neighbors planted an eggplant next to their peach tree.

It’s like their very own dirty emoji garden.

The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot

Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth

Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.

We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.

We often get asked if we take money to promote products. Absolutely not, we always say no as that would stain our reputation. The kind of stain only Persil non bio could get out, even at low temperatures.

*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*

I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.

Ominous sub-editing fail of the day

Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?

Girl: am I the dinner?

Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no

Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉

What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.

Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.

I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.

…No, YOU shut up.

They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff

Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..

My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.

Husband: *gently taps me on the shoulder before l’ve had my first cup of coffee*

Me: