Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Taze me once, shame on you; taze me twice, I’ve snuck back into the zoo

shop assistant: do you need help?

me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle

Monday?
No. Next question.

Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?

Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.

In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.

You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.

I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.

The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”

When texting a woman while she is mad and you see them 3 dots for like 5 minutes then they just disappear….. start running

2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth

Life hack:

Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.

tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure

[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”

Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….

drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is

These are my roll models.

Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend

Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again

I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am

Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship

Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks

Friend: Please don’t, please

Me: It’s about time

Ex-Friend: I’ve had it

*kids fighting over something*

Me: This is the season of giving and sharing. Be nice and share with each other.

Husband: Honey, are there any more Reese’s Christmas Trees left?

Me: *hiding the last package* No, sorry, they’re all gone.

I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.

Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.

when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement

Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!

Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.

[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*

Instead of killing yourself or a sherpa trying to climb Everest, you can just tell people that you successfully summited.

Much easier and safer

BARTENDER: how do you take it?

ME: personally

Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.

He cooked 2 sausages.