i love muttering “none of my business” as i delete an email that is definitely my business
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Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂
I never put a pair of socks together when I put them out to dry, because I think it’s nice for them to socialise with other socks & have some time apart. They’ll appreciate each other more when they’re back together.
Sometimes I think working from home may be affecting my brain.
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
*dangling legs in the ocean*
🦈: is for me 👉👈🥺
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings