Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol

mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates

I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’

If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.

hello pervert is such a strong opener

Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.

I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.

Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination

[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators

my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min

Me: sobbing in the shower

Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet

Me: Can you get the things you want to take to Manchester?
8yo: *Goes to her room and returns with seven books*

The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.

The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.

my one true gender

Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-

Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*

When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.

I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.

Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.

What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?

Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair

I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.

a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.

bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this

What do you call a man with no car???

…an Uber.

I stand out like a peanut in a turd.

I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line

The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.

Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees

I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.

*Adds track star to resume*