I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
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You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
Me recordaron éste meme
Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]
Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
Well, this explains it:
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
Great news everyone! the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.
Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype