I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
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I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
every movie should have a part where it flashes MEANWHILE ON SKULL ISLAND and they show us what king kong up to
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
How it started How it’s going
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
Ok, mammals, you had your chance. I’m voting for a reptile this year.
oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
Oh yeah that’s it
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.