I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
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SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
My boyfriend’s bike was stolen out of our backyard today. It was meticulously locked up around our fence, so you might ask me “Kaitlin, if it was so meticulously locked up on the fence they how did they steal it?”
That is because they also stole the fence.
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
Welcome
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do