Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.

[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]

ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit

they should invent a hydrating liquor

I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.

Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.

he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed

If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?

Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…

Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming

[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*

What I say: it’s time for bed

What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole

Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?

Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?

me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again

friend: so go back for seconds?

me: no probably longer than that

The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.

my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice

I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.

I can’t wait.

Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.

Dude t-rex: 😑

Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands

I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.

Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7

They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles

The Ninja Turtles corner him

Mario jumps on them all

The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.

If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.

“The future is yours!”
Me: [Looking around] No thank you.

It’s been a terrible year for burglars

Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?

Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.

You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.

Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.

When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.

last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anyway

next year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner