Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your mother

Dog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE

Stranger: Your children are angels

Me: So was the devil

A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.

People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.

Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit

Horrifying, yet familiar

I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards

Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.

Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.

Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.

Cricket Audience: *goes wild*

Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd

Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.

Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!

Also me: Not like that!

“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12

Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..

Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh

Print is alive and well!!!

haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?

*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*

Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!

I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.

Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?

Me: I wanted to watch it again.

Wife:

Me:

Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.

I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.

Google maps: You’ve arrived.

Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?

Some questgivers in Cyberpunk 2077 give you ominous warnings like “DON’T keep me waiting” and it bothers me so much.
If you really want someone shot, something stolen or someplace exploded, you can wait for me to find a pair of jean shorts to complete my outfit.

Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH

How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?

every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough

“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes

If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.

*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*

The Pasta:

Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.

Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.

Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.