I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
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year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band