Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”

ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year

I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.

Here are 5 things you should know about me:

1. I’m very secretive

I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…

Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.

I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.

Dr: do you know why you gained weight?

*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*

Me: no, better run some tests

*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*

My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing

rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator

i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct

Admittedly, this is an incredible comeback.

Hey kids,

Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves

– adults

He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.

I have a coworker that gets the same thing every day at lunchtime, diarrhea

If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.

Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.

I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:

Heyyyy Macarena.

The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.

Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.

you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser

My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.

King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.

My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.

7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?

Me: Is it already—

7: It’s already on my finger, yes.

You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.

*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.

“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”

It’s his time

When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.