I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
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I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
me: i had an accident
insurance agent: sir, we don’t insure pants
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
Science is fun!
#nottrue
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information
Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
Went on a whale watch today and my husband got up at 6am singing a song he made up to the tune of “You’re the One that I Want” from Grease but it was “You’re the Whale that I Watch.” Should I move out
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
Are people born with photographic memories or do they take time to develop ??
*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
If we all club together we could raise enough money to buy Monday and have it destroyed.
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.