I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
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A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
No laws when master is gone
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
i’m gonna allow it
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
“what’s it like having a sister?”
