I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
You Might Also Like
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
Welcome to your 40’s: oh you like surprises? here’s another chin. Surprise!
“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
I took my wife to an orchard and we stood there staring at trees for more than an hour…
Apparently this was NOT the apple watch she was expecting for her birthday
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
I’m fighting for free speech. Mine not yours you need to shut the f*** up
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
maintenance guy came into the men’s room at work and shouted “is anyone in here?” and in a normal speaking voice someone in the cubicle next to me said “why?”
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.