Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Essential oils? You mean WD40?

Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency

Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah

DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”

My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.

Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party

Also, I tried Ambien

I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.

i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit

Date: You seem close to your mom

Me: I am

Mom: It is a small table for 3

HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?

ME: i love love actually actually

ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ

If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?

My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball

{After Eclipse}

Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?

Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.

I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.

You know we just joke about being Facebook right?

Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.

National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?

“I licked your post.”
“You mean you liked my post?”
“No.”

ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?

When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.

The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.

Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.

I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.

I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.

I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.

What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?

Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?

Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winks

Him:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid

“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective