I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
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next question.
bout dat hot dog summer
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
A few days ago, the girls down the street knocked on our door and asked “is Nerys in?”, so I called her and she came out to see them. For the first time in my life I felt like a real dad.
Nerys is a dachshund.
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
Next time a man invites me to his house without getting to know me, I’m going to go but I’m going to steal his microwave plate. Like straight up take that shit.
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
Highway cops are so childish. Oh you’re hiding behind a bush in your Ford Escape? Gonna pop out and chase me? Grow up
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket