Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.

me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait

I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.

Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing

Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.

I call this the Heineken maneuver.

One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.

Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.

Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.

Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.

Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.

Me: I’m having a heart attack.

BFF: you are not.

Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind

My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.

Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.

9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.

The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.

[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?

me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no

“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is

My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”

*sticks hand into jean pocket*

Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?

*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*

Oh, ok.

“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”

the urge to pee in the morning is so aggressive bro , like chill we’re getting there 😭 don’t threaten to come out

One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.

Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.

Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.

Riddler: Oh?

B: Notice anything different about me?

R:

R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*

sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover

I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.

*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*

90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.

Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKING

How Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS

Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications

Me: *nodding* a curator

frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.

April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.