Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg

Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?

You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”

Bladder: I have to go

Laziness: Hang in there, champ

Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.

NEIGHBOR: What’s up?

ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month

NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?

ME: The what now?

Ah. I see you moved your horsey piece to that other square. Intriguing gambit.

Sure, I’ll come to your party

*hangs out with the Roomba when I see they have no pets

Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.

[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all

I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity

The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.

Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.

Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.

Him: You hit me three times!

Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.

PSYCHIC: I can see your future

ME: Are you really a medium?

PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*

ME: Medium. Son of a gun…

I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.

A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.

[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]

Her: I’m leaving you

Me: Why though?

Her: You lie to me constantly

Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!

Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills

Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.

Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.

I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes

[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him

Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”

All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.

Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.

Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.

“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for

Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago