I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
I love comics. Bank robbers will wear a full ski mask, but super heroes will wear a tiny domino mask that barely covers any of their face.
“If crooks discover my identity, they’ll kill me or kidnap my family. I have an idea! I’ll hide the bridge of my nose with this pore strip!”
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
is it just me or are we all a little bit disappointed whenever they lift a tsunami warning
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human
awkward
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
God sends his most incorrect food & drink orders to his most conflict avoidant soldiers
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
