I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours
My parents: Cool
My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me
Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
At George Orwell’s grave yesterday an American lady asked us how, if he died in 1940 (not the worst bit of this story), did he write a book in 1984…
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
“Don’t shoot your gun at the hurricane” the government says. I’ll do my own research thanks
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
