“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
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*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.
Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”
stages of moving house
1. omg i have so much stuff i’m so stressed
2. wait i don’t have that much left i’ll be fine
3. omg i have way more stuff than i thought
4. fuck. the kitchen
you could hypothetically power a vehicle using a strong enough hot dog gun
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
Who?
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having
A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)