Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[reading The Night Before Christmas]

son: what’s a kerchief?

daughter: what’s a clatter?

son: what’s a sash?

daughter: what are coursers?

son: what’s soot?

daughter: what’s a peddler?

son: what’s a thistle?

me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.

400 fucking grocery carts to choose from and I always pick the Ford Pinto with a flat tire.

As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.

Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?

Five Guys CEO: you heard me

One venti cheeseburger please.

There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.

all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real

[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t

Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.

My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.

Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.

Bartender: So…the usual?

Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button

Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot

I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.

Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams

Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY

Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.

*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*

*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*

*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*

I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend… especially the mom that many years ago was leaving a very busy playground and her kid yelled to his brother “hurry up! Mom wants too poop pretty bad!”

[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children

#Caturday

Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’

Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’

Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘

Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’

“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion

You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.

Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”

Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.

I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.

My kids, writing negative political ads:

Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.

Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.

Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.

You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.

Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.

“Please enter the 6-digit code we have just sent to your device”

Well hold on there just a minute. Someone has just texted me