I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
You Might Also Like
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.
*at divorce court
Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.
Judge: I’m sorry – What??
Her: I win, right?
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”
“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…