I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
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Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.
Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”