Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners

When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.

“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”

Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan

LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*

He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…

I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind

there should be a reverse halloween where ghosts and monsters dress up as people and knock on doors yelling “math or medicine!”

Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…

Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May

2yo: daddy play with me!

Me: okay!!

2yo: *points* sit right here.

Me: okay.

2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!

Me: okay.

2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!

Me: okayyyyyyy.

Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:

I’m mad and sad and doing very bad

I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.

The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”

earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*

webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat

i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them

I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.

Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]

Judge: You have power of attorney?

Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?

Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.

I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?

I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.

Captcha: pick all the squares with worms

Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait

ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all

Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*

So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options

ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.

“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”

#Caturday