Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Get better soon! (I know you’re not sick, I just think you can do better)

[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks

NEMESIS: i hate you

ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend

NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?

ME: i’ll ask my mom

“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.

Them: How corny are your jokes?

Me: Pretty corny

here we go again

“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.

When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.

“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”

No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.

You know the hurricane is serious when even SpongeBob and Gary are evacuating

WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral

FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate

Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”

Me: You said everything in here was edible

Willy Wonka: Yes, but-

Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut

Bored?
Looking for some action?

Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.

Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.

[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*

[Arthur’s Court]

SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table

SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…

just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know

The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.

convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.

Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.

no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,

People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.

I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.

My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.

Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired

Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]

Hipster: I’ll take 4

I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.

I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.

I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.