I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
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[1st day as a dr]
macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band
nurse: ahh we dont have those
macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery
nurse: umm how about a scalpel?
macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted
Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
Why is it that every time I set foot in a post office with any sense of urgency at all there’s a guy directly in front of me trying to mail an aardvark to his cousin in Peru or some shit? Never fails.
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
How is it still this week?
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV