I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
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Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
Me: Honey, doctors say you should stand up and walk around every 30 minutes.
Husband: *stands up*
Me: Could you grab me a water while you’re up?
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
My boyfriend’s bike was stolen out of our backyard today. It was meticulously locked up around our fence, so you might ask me “Kaitlin, if it was so meticulously locked up on the fence they how did they steal it?”
That is because they also stole the fence.