I love my sister and even when I struggled as a teenage lesbian shes been a wonderful ally but how do I tell her that whenever we’re watching something and an unexpected gay scene happens she doesn’t have to turn to me and stare at me like this 😊
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Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
Just donated six (6) fire emojis to charity.
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
wow he looks just like him
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Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.