I love my sister and even when I struggled as a teenage lesbian shes been a wonderful ally but how do I tell her that whenever we’re watching something and an unexpected gay scene happens she doesn’t have to turn to me and stare at me like this 😊
You Might Also Like
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
Me: Can you get the things you want to take to Manchester?
8yo: *Goes to her room and returns with seven books*
The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
A Lunch Poem:
Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.
Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more