I love my sister and even when I struggled as a teenage lesbian shes been a wonderful ally but how do I tell her that whenever we’re watching something and an unexpected gay scene happens she doesn’t have to turn to me and stare at me like this 😊
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No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
My granddaughter told me that her boss wanted her to sign up for a 401k but she told him that there was no way she could run that far.
A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
Them: Is your cat friendly?
My Cat: What kind of a fucking question is that?
Me: No
(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…
You ever look at yourself on the self-checkout camera and think, “wow, I better write my will.”
I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone