I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
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I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
Is no one else a little relieved the affair was with a person
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
Hitlers gonna hitl
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
sign of the times 🖊
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”