Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?

Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.

me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*

KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here

ME: Oh no!

WIFE: Talk to him

ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE

According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.

ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU

ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES

my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time

i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before

John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone

Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park

John Hammond:

Me:

John Hammond:

Me: I need to hear you to say it, John

*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape

I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.

Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.

Sachets away.

BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.

WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”

“Bear with me for a minute.”

– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.

aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out

When ur friends with white people

earth: I’m dying

humans: I’m sorry you feel that way

*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!

Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.

receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference

me: perfect tell me all about it

receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good

doctor: any allergies?

me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.

*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*

Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?

A: A cat. Cats love fish.

Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.

Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?

escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single

*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.

Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.

*at least it’s a short knife.

My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.

I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs

I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.

My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.