Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.

When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:

Him: Where were you, I was worried!

Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.

Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!

ME: Sorry……dad?

pov you are seriously underestimating how big whales are

Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.

This is not a coincidence.

[ first date ]

her: i like a man who plans financially for the future

me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later

Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:

1. Stay together forever
2. Break up

No pressure.

Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:

The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace

Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok

There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.

Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.

Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog

ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication

I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.

this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade

My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.

When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.

Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”

Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”

Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”

me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs

boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right

[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:

WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?

Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!

i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it

I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?

A woof in sheep’s clothing.

You know what they never show in superhero movies or comics? How do flying heroes know where they are? You’re too high up to see landmarks or street signs. I’m pretty sure I’d have to fly with my phone out the whole time.

Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl

I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.

And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.

Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time

Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂