I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
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if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
I don’t watch a lot of UFC fights, but when I do, I like to pause them when someone gets punched or trapped in a weird position, and say, “I bet you’re wondering how I got here”
me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]
Later that night
Fitbit: time for bed
me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
[Leaving for work]
*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
Meteorologist: It’s going to get even hotter.
Me [on fire]: HOW
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
Everything is awful so I’ve started adding vodka to my protein smoothies and ya know what? Everything is still awful