Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.

my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die

fired

We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.

My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss

Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?

Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.

If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it

For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.

Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits

Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.

I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.

I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.

Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“

“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd

HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?

ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one

interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?

me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbook

interviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?

me:
that’s not what i said

My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.

Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”

wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]

Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup

Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.

“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”

*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good

[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT

At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.

remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust

[at olive garden]

waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be

me: olives

waiter: ok

Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?

Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.

My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.