I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
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doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
Hot singles in your area!
They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
I wasn’t feeling well so I googled my symptoms. I either have allergies or I died two days ago.
women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
ok but what if they had media literacy
(this was funnier in my head)
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
Him: *gets the handcuffs out*
Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*
Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
adopting a pet chicken and naming them gregory peck
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
