Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What’s a retweet called now?

I vote Xerox.

Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.

Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet

Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that

*ernest hemingway voice*

[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]

Are you sure you’re ok?

If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?

“WHAT DO WE WANT”

“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”

“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”

“SOMETIME SOON”

My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.

“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.

I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.

It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.

In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…

They’ll be SO surprised!

Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.

My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.

Me: Wake up

5-year-old:

Me: We’re late

5:

Me: The house is on fire

5:

Me: Your sister touched your stuff

5: *barrel rolls out of bed*

If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.

this is the most humiliating day of my life

Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.

The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.

Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no

[summoning my first demon]

ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.

MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?

[Inventor of scented candles]

What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?

12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?

Me: Because I love you.

I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.

-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV

I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.

Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?

*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?

If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.

In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.

Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it

T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all

[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]