i love nyc i was hungover beyond belief and watched the nypd arrest 2 or 3 fake timothee chalamets this afternoon. perfect sunday.
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I may be small, but so is a grenade.
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
I find it hard to believe I used to just answer my phone when it rang. No caller ID. No idea who was calling. Just picked it up and said “hello” like a goddam daredevil.
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
A Canadian pilot was hesitant about landing in the crosswind, so Benny from Maintenance has fixed his plane.
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”
Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.
Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.
Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
If you’re lost in the woods, start talking loudly about politics.
Someone will come to argue with you.
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now