Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.

shit just got real

There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.

ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*

they really wanted me dead for this

This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.

interviewer: what are your strengths?

me: I know where you live

19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”

*making screwdrivers*

OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail

All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.

I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….

Maybe just one…

RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?

ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*

Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?

I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…

I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.

I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.

I kept not finding it. She got angrier.

I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”

Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”

😑

Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.

hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.

corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-

me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”

How’s my day going?

If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.

The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.

This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.

At peace with myself?

We can’t even decide which channel to watch

I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.

I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.

My partner is sending me slides from orientation at her new job and it’s all like

– No more than 80 hours per week!
– 4 days guaranteed off per month!
– Shifts are capped at 28 hours!

I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.

All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.

“Do what your gut says”

– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza

Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun

Cop: Was it a revolver?

Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal

It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge