Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?

Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*

“I can’t eat all of that!”

… and other lies I tell

dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot

Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me

Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word

has anybody else completely lost it or is it
just me and kanye

Nativity season is upon us! My son has been cast as a wise man. My daughter, on the otherhand –

My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”

I am so proud.

That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.

do mermaids get waxed or descaled

7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?

Me: Dad.

7: Then how come you look older?

Me: Santa’s not real.

My kid: I bet you had just black and white movies growing up
Me: excuse me, I am not that old
My kid: also did you have crayons or just greyons?

I kinda want a boyfriend but then where will I put my purse when I drive?

[ bad kitty ]

me: cut it out

cat: ?

me: stop it

cat: ?

me: knock it off

cat: now we’re talking

Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.

Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.

me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi

[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.

Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years

I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field

A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do

This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021

I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?

Our power went out and it’s utterly humiliating how many times I tried to turn on the light so that I could find the flashlights because the power was out

My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!

Me: Impressive feet!

My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig

{Commercial for Floors}

Is this you?

{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}

Yes, yes, everyone is stupid except you.

DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.

I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.

my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement