Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.

Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh

if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed

A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.

BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]

today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence

They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.

Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.

My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee

If it ain’t broke, my kids haven’t used it yet.

in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside

on a hike: I want to pet that bear

Human: *jumps*

Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur

Human: *pole vaults*

Kangaroo: wait WTF?

The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it

BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver

God: You’ll be huge and fat

Blue Whale: Dang

God: Awful eyesight

Whale: Ugh

God: No predators- except other whales

Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-

God: Biggest junk on the planet

Whale: I’m in

FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?

ME: She’s a real queen bee.

FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.

*a faint buzzing from my pocket*

ME: Dude, she’s right here.

Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.

I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.

You could say I’m on stand-bi.

“So basically, they’ll either be able to go back 10 seconds by tapping this one, or about an hour and a half by pressing this one and leaving it for over 0.3 of a second”

“Anything in between?”

“Nope”

[Standing ovation]

“Rewind” department meeting at streaming service HQ.

I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.

😂😂

[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]

Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.

CEO: How can we supply that many?

Jesus: *winks at camera*

them: PTSD

my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder

[job interview]

Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.

Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.

Me: I’d like one wet wipe please

Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10

[i arrive in hell]

Satan: welcome

Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol

Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up

Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao

Satan:

Me:

Satan:

[i arrive in super hell]

I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.

Boyfriend and Boy friend…..

See that little space between the second one?

Thats called the friend zone!

when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too