@TheCatWhisprer

I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.

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@JoroPotential

If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.

@Torgo_phylum

Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-

Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]

Shania Twain: oh shit wow

@Ivsy01

(Writing in food journal)

me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.

@2Saddington

why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures

@Scimommy

Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.

@jennifereblue

I don’t remember all of last night but the fact I needed sunglasses to open the fridge this morning tells me it was awesome!

@WildeThingy

I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.

@Darlainky

Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.