I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.

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If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.


Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-

Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]

Shania Twain: oh shit wow


(Writing in food journal)

me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.


why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures


Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.


I don’t remember all of last night but the fact I needed sunglasses to open the fridge this morning tells me it was awesome!


I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.


Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.