I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
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[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.