I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
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Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a
waiter: did you enjoy your meal
me: honestly not really
waiter: yeah your meal sucked. why would you order that. back in the kitchen we were all like why the hell did he order this. it was hilarious. jesus christ man. gotta be one of the worst orders ever
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
told my husband I needed a compliment before bed and he called me “steadfast and chaste” I….
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
X-tra spooky blend
Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain
just arby’s bein’ a bro
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.