I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
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Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?
ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook
whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush
A Pun enters a room and kills 10 people…
Pun in, ten dead
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..
That is the Aldi’s experience
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
I was bullied by a cheerleader in high school and she used to tan every day so I stayed out the sun for 34 years and now I look 10 years younger than she does. WHO’S CHEERING NOW BRITTNI?
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
Unknown people: you aren’t weird you are just being yourself
My gang: bro I know 5 weird people and you are 4 of them
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.