I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
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My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
totally get it, nature valley bar, i also pretend to be healthy and then crumble under the slightest pressure
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what