Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.

Cats are so graceful and light-footed.

[Cat tiptoes down the first half of the stairs and falls down the rest]

Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.

I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.

when unicorns get really drunk

I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.

Me: This escape room is really hard.

Guard: I said lights out!

Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.

Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.

day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me

You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.

Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.

When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.

If you meet a surgeon at a party don’t immediately start pitching to them. They are sick of hearing ideas for surgeries, and even if you give them a good one they will just steal it without crediting you

Window air conditioners are the camel of the appliance world.

You haven’t turned the A/C on in a month? It has rained 0.04″ in the past 2 weeks? Don’t worry, the A/C has planned for this and has stored up water to pour out onto your pants and the floor as soon as you remove it.

ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you

PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist

Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if

[Being murdered]

You’re on my hair

Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up

My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.

houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…

spider: sup

me: omg stay away

spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider

me: there’s good spiders?

spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you

[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”

Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m

‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’

– Romancing the stoned

taking June’s advice to heart

I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.

there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples

Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“

Me- “tf did you just call me?”

Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.

I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.

*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*

ATTENBOROUGH: What the-

WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID