Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.

Me: How was my snoring last night?

Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT

[marketing meeting]

me: what campaign are we working on today?

boss: spaghetti-o’s

me: uh oh

boss: say that again

I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.

How can we make people tell the truth?

“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”

In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.

That’s commitment

me: you can’t take all that candy to school

son: then what do I do with it?

me: you leave it here

son: with you?

My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.

I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.

*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?

All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.

When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁

DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs

ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had

“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”

“Brochure”

My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”

[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?

*Pops up out of your shower drain.

You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.

I went to an antique auction. Three people bid on me.

My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.

One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.

I think he’s my soulmate.

People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?

I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.

I just want to turn off a light …

You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it

“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.

After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.

Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:

[David Attenborough watching me pour syrup on my waffles before I put them in the toaster] Turn the camera off this man needs help

No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.

The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕